Sara
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My topic.Hey guys! I haven't really posted here at all but I thought I would make my first recent post a little special. I'm gonna record my loss and status and feelings right here. Woo hoo! I'll also be recording everything else going on in my daily life, maybe it will strike some interest.
April 15th 2008
As of now I'm 5'7/105 pounds and I'm not sure what my BMI is, but I'm aiming for 14.9 Which would mean 95 pounds.
Today I stayed home from school, and I ate a bit but I purged and weigh less than I did when I started the day. I exercised for two hours yesterday and the day before and now I'm too sore to move haha so I have to wait a while until I can exercise again.
Yesterday my friend confronted me about my ED, sort of. She was all "Sara, your scaring me!' and I asked her why and she said "You never eat, like, what did you eat today?" and I told her I ate some raisins, which I did, but I didn't tell her how much -snickers- She took that as a valid excuse and shut up. People are so dumb, haha.
I think she really deep down knows I have something wrong with me, and I also think she looks at me as sort of an example, cause I can tell she wants an ED. Shes always talking about food and calories and like, OH my goodness, its annoying! Shes always trying to get me to talk too but like, one of my rules is no talking about anything related. I think I'm starting to let go of that rule. I think life would be easier if everyone just knew and I would stop having to hide it all the time. It would be embarrassing though, when people saw me in the hall way they wouldn't go "Hey look, it's Sara! shes hilarious!" the would say "Hey look, It's the girl with the eating disorder!"
In other news:
I get my braces off on Monday, which is exciting. It's just two days short of me having them for two years. I get them off right before prom too, but I doubt I'm going. You have to be an upperclassmen, which I am not.
Next week is also spirit week and I'm planning on dressing up every day, but this time around all the themes for each day are stupid so idk how well it's gonna go.
I have a math test tomorrow, wish me luck 
I'll try and write something every day but I don't have computer access all the time, If i cant log on here I'll jot my thoughts down in note pad and post it later! Thats all!
Sara[/i]
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xemax
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hiya thanks for the post  lol it sounds like your friend is jealous of you - i always used to be jealous of people who seemed so much skinnier, it didnt matter if it was natural or not coz if it was natural i was jealous i couldnt be like that when they were eating snicker bars etc and if it was by dieting i was even more jealous they had the determination i didnt. i'm jealous of you now lol!
hmmm you could tell people but they might get involved and tell your parents? but yeah it would be alot off your mind...
i've taken pics of me in a bikini (it was HORRIFIC) and i'm gonna post down everytime I lose some weight but only when i lose the weight  lol. i'm slightly scared of being criticised as well coz i'm at my highest weight and i know it'll disgust lol  . but the main point is i'm trying to and i'm going to change so i guess i'll hopefully see results soon. spec with summer dont wanna scar anyone! ahh your so tall lucky!!! x x x
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xemax
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dear me my stats need updating please ignore! x
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Sara
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April 17th 2008
Today was actually really bad. I feel like such a fat ass, kind of. I'm 107 but I think its just temp weight that will go away if I don't eat/drink for like 12 hours. I had breakfast this morning, two pieces of toast, because I don't want to die. Seriously, I hate feeling hungry and dizzy and shaky all day. It sucks, feels like I'm dying.
Last night I exercised for a half hour and walked outside for about an hour, possibly more. So I got some exercise, and I didn't eat anything until I got home, where my parents forced me to have some soup.. which led to a binge that consisted of 2 slices of Toast and Raisins. I totaled it and it was probably somewhere around 700 cals, maybe. I didn't have anything else that day though.
Yeah, so this kid I hang out with at lunch, he said I'm fatter looking then my 'jealous' friend. We'll call her Jane. Thats not her name but I don't want to give any info thats recognizable. So yeah, Jane, I weigh less than her but this kid said i look fatter. He was all like 'its OK don't take it personally' but like, I do and I want to be the best and I want to look skinnier. I'm not sure how much weight that will take, considering I'm already less than her. Ugh, that pissed me off.
I don't really have much to talk about. My whole life pretty much focuses on my ED, so theres nothing left to say.
Sara.
~ Lol, thanks for the reply! It sucks being tall. Like I always tell my short friend; if I were standing in a crowd of short people and someone through an ax over everyones head, mine would get cut off.. haha. Like that would ever happen but I wish I was a shorty, I would naturally be like 90 pounds and I would sound skinnier when I told people my weight.
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xemax
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maybe that guy was trying to make you feel better about your weight maybe under the impression that you wanted to be fatter, but in the typical way only guys can he said something stupid. Whats the height and weight of your friend about? I can always tell who weighs less out of my friends if you asked more people who looked skinnier they'd probably say you --- or shes wearing VERY good clothes lol. For how small your bmi is I'm sure its recognizable that your alot skinnier than her. x x x
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Sara
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We're about the same size, same height but shes a couple more pounds.. like 5 maybe? She just looks skinny and complains a lot so people think about her as ana.
April 20th, 2008
I feel like shit today. Its day two of a fast and I'm incredibly nauseas. Theres something going on in my lower stomach area and it's KILLING ME. It hurts so bad, I don't want to say anything though cause I don't want my parents to force me to eat something. I haven't bothered to take my weight yet today, I'm estimating around 108 because I'm very bloated.
I ran for two hours yesterday and I was so tired, I thought I was going to die. I think I might be dehydrated, when I got home yesterday I didn't drink anything because I was feeling rather sick, and I didn't pee this morning like.. pretty much everyone does, lol. I probably should drink something but I have no appetite for anything.
So I watched Saving Private Ryan last night, and My night was filled with war dreams and stomach pains. It was like I got shot in my dream or something haha. If you haven't seen that movie, heres my advice: don't watch it right before bed.
I didn't get a very good sleep either, I only got 5 hours because my stomach pains were keeping me up.
I'll post some pics after I get done with my fast, I'll look good then~
-Sara
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Sara
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April 21st 2008
I'm sick of not eating, fuck ana.. 3 days is enough.
I'm at 103, but I'll probably be back up at 110 by the end of the week *rolls eyes*. It looks like only the first two days of fasting are beneficial to me, usually after that I hardly loose at all. So I'm going to eat today and hopefully start another fast next Friday Maybe I won't gain all the weight I lost back and I'll actually weigh less when I'm done with the next fast? Who knows.
Food time.. 
-Sara
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xemax
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ooooh what did you eat, it can be like food porn for me haha x x x
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Sara
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April 23rd 2008
I ended up eating 760 cals that day, but I went for a 4 hour walk. I AM back at 108 though, my body is so sensitive. I can still see the weight that I lost on the fast being gone, so that makes me happy.
When I loose weight I can see it in my wrist, and it looks a little bit fatter than it did on Monday, but still better than last week. My legs also look a little skinnier, but maybe I'm just imagining things.
Today I stayed home from school again, I'm such a lazy bum I skip school a lot. But I did it so I could catch up on some homework. We'll see how I do.
-Sara
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xemax
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lol thats so strange to see it from your wrist but then it does make sense since the full body goes up and down. that 4 hour walk probs burned off ALOT to be fair so dont be hard on yourself! x x x
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Sara
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5 /23
Sometimes I really, for certain, think I'm loosing it completely. People always tell me I'm nuts and they talk about me and I begin to wonder why am I even here, why can't things just be good? I wish I was some house wife with kids and a husband and a house. Why do I have to wait for that to happen? Why can't it happen now?
The truth: It probably never will.
I have this terrible feeling that as I grow I will only get worse and I will become more and more pathetic and behind in society each day. Then eventually I will fly off the handle and not even my 9 cats will be able to stand me. Whatever is wrong, whatever is causing me to be so pessimistic i need to fix. Or else I'm doomed.
So anyway, It's summer. I'm going to loose weight this summer. Some people have a nagging voice in their head that tells them to do things like Homework, or get a job, or clean. Well, mine says loose weight. I eat all the time and stuff but whenever I do that nagging voice comes into my head saying "Put the fork down fat ass! Every body is watching you, they can see you. How much your enjoying each bite. Secretly, in their minds, they are LAUGHING at you! Then when they go home to their families and friends they are going to talk about you! They are going to say; "Hey! I saw this fat selfish PIG eating today! You should have seen her enjoying every single bite like it was her last. I'm SO glad that I'm not like that. I have control over myself unlike her, that fat pig." and then when you least expect it, your own family will be talking about you behind your back. So you need to straighten up your act. Put that fork down and do a push up, fatty!"
..Yeah. That voice is pretty mean. It's annoying and I want it to go away. This summer I am putting the fork down and I'm doing what she tells me.
wowow This post seems really out of context, but thats whats on my mind.
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